


Maybe I'm Scared (To Say I love you)

by notacynic



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, I'm Sorry, Poor Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unrequited Love, i like to make my faves suffer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:54:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29924769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notacynic/pseuds/notacynic
Summary: Tsukishima has Hanahaki disease, and this leads to him facing with a lot of emotions he's rather avoid...
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 7





	1. Realization

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic, so apologies if it's trash. Also will probably change the title and summary later once I can think of a better one. Also warnings for throwing up (not graphic)

Tsukishima was cold-hearted. A brat. A pompous little shit if you will.  
No-one expected him to fall in love, least of all unrequited love. Not even Tsukishima himself.  
It started just after breakfast, on a damp Tuesday morning, when suddenly the overwhelming urge to throw up engulfed him, and it was all he could do to rush to the bathroom and heave up…rose petals? Tsukishima startled, and stared in disbelief at the colourful floral display in his toilet.  
Hanahaki disease...

Tsukishima’s mind flashed back to a particularly boring day in the library when he’d already finished all of his assignments and was waiting for Yamaguchi. He remembered pulling a dusty book off the shelves and reading about this weird disease, where if you fell in love, but the person you love didn’t love you back, flowers would start to blossom in your throat, leading to vomit, choking, and if left untreated, death. At the time he dismissed it as nothing more than clueless authors being dumb, yet now….

Now this led Tsukishima to another important question, who did he love? He was cold, stoic, uncaring, who on Earth would he like as more than a friend? His mind flashed back to Yamaguchi, to giggling, and laughing, and playing, and sharing childhood secrets. Of having a shoulder to cry on, of having someone there, even when the whole world seemed against you. And then it hit him, maybe it wasn’t normal feeling jealous whenever your best friend talked to someone else and laughed at their jokes, maybe feeling butterflies whenever he laughed at a joke you made, maybe being fond of that nickname only he was allowed to call you… maybe those weren’t signs of just being friends. Maybe he felt something more towards the pinch server…

At that moment, another flower forced his way out of Tsukishima’s throat and he heaved up another petal. And this begged the third question; what was he going to do now? The very nature of this disease meant that Yamaguchi didn’t love him back (a thought that made Tsukishima more nauseous than throwing up petals ever could; how could he have been this in denial??) so confessing was out of the question. His only other option was surgery, but that would mean telling someone about this, and that would mean confessing he loved someone, his own best friend no less! The embarrassment would be too much, he had an image to uphold after all, but his mind flashed back to a line in that book…

“If left untreated, [it could lead to] death.”  
Maybe the humiliation wasn’t so bad…

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, and his brother’s voice came out, “Kei! Hurry up already you’re going to be late and you’ve been in there for ages!”

Ah crap. He quickly tidied up the bathroom to the best of his capabilities, yelling out a quick “Coming!” to his expectant brother. He picked himself up off the floor, dusted himself off, and dashed out of the door to an already waiting Yamaguchi.

Akiteru entered the bathroom and immediately noticed something weird. A rose petal to be exact, resting just underneath the toilet seat.  
What on earth was Kei doing in the bathroom with flowers??


	2. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akiteru confronts Tsukki about the petals he found, and Tsukishima is forced to confess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one day?? Omg who are you and why are you so productive? Yh, anyway don't get used to it :)

School was hell, needless to say. In-between every lesson Tsukishima was dashing towards the bathroom to throw up, much to the confusion of Yamaguchi. Sure the blonde had always been perplexing, but never to this extent. He had half a mind to ask Tsukki what was going on, but Yamaguchi had known him long enough to know he probably wouldn’t answer and/or dodge the question. So he made no comment when he saw Tsukki running through the halls, hand clamped over his mouth towards the boy’s toilets.

Lunch had been relatively fine, aside from Tsukishima taking a bit longer as he struggled to swallow, but practice? 

Practice was a different kind of torture.

Have you ever tried blocking high-speed spikes whilst flowers bloom in your mouth and you try not to throw up? It sucks, and needless to say his performance suffered. 

Now whilst Yamaguchi may have had the sense to understand Tsukishima was probably not going to explain what was going on, and it was better to focus on perfecting his serve than waste needless energy, Hinata and Kageyama unfortunately did not. And when Yamaguchi saw the determined boy and Kageyama march towards Tsukki, he already knew how it was going to end.

“Hey! Why aren’t you blocking! You can’t slack off now!” Hinata yelled

“As much as I hate agreeing with him, he’s got a point. You’re even worse than usual.” Kageyama added.

Under normal circumstances Tsukki would have already been ripping them to shreds with snarky after snarky remark, however right now he didn’t trust himself to open his mouth without spewing flowers, so he had to settle for merely glaring at them menacingly.

“Get your act together, else at this rate we’re never going to make it to nationals!” Hinata shouted some more, before marching off and calling Kageyama to throw him tosses.

Tsukishima glared at their backs. How much he wanted to shut them up with a sarcastic remark, but then he felt another flower blossom, and quickly excused himself to run to the toilet.

Once that hour-long torture session finally ended, Tsukishima didn’t hang around for extra practice or even to wait for Yamaguchi. The second Ukai dismissed them he was out of the gym door, barely looking behind him as he paced for his house, and some peace and quiet to reflect what he was going to do next.  
What he didn’t expect however, was his brother waiting for him inside, holding a rose petal and glaring at him accusingly.

Tsukishima felt his stomach drop.

“Explain how I found this,” Akiteru waved the petal around like it was some sort of murder confession “Underneath the toilet? What have you been doing in there?”  
“Would you believe me if I told you I had a sudden passion for floral displays?” Tsukishima said.  
Akiteru sighed. “No I wouldn’t. Now go on.”

And so Tsukishima had no other choice than to confess, about how he’d been throwing up flowers since this morning, about how he suspected it was Hanahaki disease and about how he’d been trying to hide it from everyone.

“Hanahaki? Isn’t that when you love someone who doesn’t love you back?” Akiteru’s eyes widened in sudden realisation. 

“KEI! MY COLD, STOIC LITTLE BROTHER, WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME YOU HAD A CRUSH? OMG WHO IS IT? COME ON YOU CAN TELL YOUR BIG BROTHER!”

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone” Tsukishima grumbled.

Akiteru threw his head back and laughed, until he suddenly stopped.

“Wait, can’t you die from it if you don’t go through surgery or something?” Akiteru’s once smiling face now etched with concern.  
“That’s why I told you.” Tsukishima said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda abrubt ending ik, didn't really know how to finish it...Anyway lmk what you think!


	3. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akiteru confronts Tsukki about the petals he found, and Tsukishima is forced to confess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one day?? Omg who are you and why are you so productive? Yh, anyway don't get used to it :)

School was hell, needless to say. In-between every lesson Tsukishima was dashing towards the bathroom to throw up, much to the confusion of Yamaguchi. Sure the blonde had always been perplexing, but never to this extent. He had half a mind to ask Tsukki what was going on, but Yamaguchi had known him long enough to know he probably wouldn’t answer and/or dodge the question. So he made no comment when he saw Tsukki running through the halls, hand clamped over his mouth towards the boy’s toilets.

Lunch had been relatively fine, aside from Tsukishima taking a bit longer as he struggled to swallow, but practice? 

Practice was a different kind of torture.

Have you ever tried blocking high-speed spikes whilst flowers bloom in your mouth and you try not to throw up? It sucks, and needless to say his performance suffered. 

Now whilst Yamaguchi may have had the sense to understand Tsukishima was probably not going to explain what was going on, and it was better to focus on perfecting his serve than waste needless energy, Hinata and Kageyama unfortunately did not. And when Yamaguchi saw the determined boy and Kageyama march towards Tsukki, he already knew how it was going to end.

“Hey! Why aren’t you blocking! You can’t slack off now!” Hinata yelled

“As much as I hate agreeing with him, he’s got a point. You’re even worse than usual.” Kageyama added.

Under normal circumstances Tsukki would have already been ripping them to shreds with snarky after snarky remark, however right now he didn’t trust himself to open his mouth without spewing flowers, so he had to settle for merely glaring at them menacingly.

“Get your act together, else at this rate we’re never going to make it to nationals!” Hinata shouted some more, before marching off and calling Kageyama to throw him tosses.

Tsukishima glared at their backs. How much he wanted to shut them up with a sarcastic remark, but then he felt another flower blossom, and quickly excused himself to run to the toilet.

Once that hour-long torture session finally ended, Tsukishima didn’t hang around for extra practice or even to wait for Yamaguchi. The second Ukai dismissed them he was out of the gym door, barely looking behind him as he paced for his house, and some peace and quiet to reflect what he was going to do next.  
What he didn’t expect however, was his brother waiting for him inside, holding a rose petal and glaring at him accusingly.

Tsukishima felt his stomach drop.

“Explain how I found this,” Akiteru waved the petal around like it was some sort of murder confession “Underneath the toilet? What have you been doing in there?”  
“Would you believe me if I told you I had a sudden passion for floral displays?” Tsukishima said.  
Akiteru sighed. “No I wouldn’t. Now go on.”

And so Tsukishima had no other choice than to confess, about how he’d been throwing up flowers since this morning, about how he suspected it was Hanahaki disease and about how he’d been trying to hide it from everyone.

“Hanahaki? Isn’t that when you love someone who doesn’t love you back?” Akiteru’s eyes widened in sudden realisation. 

“KEI! MY COLD, STOIC LITTLE BROTHER, WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME YOU HAD A CRUSH? OMG WHO IS IT? COME ON YOU CAN TELL YOUR BIG BROTHER!”

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell anyone” Tsukishima grumbled.

Akiteru threw his head back and laughed, until he suddenly stopped.

“Wait, can’t you die from it if you don’t go through surgery or something?” Akiteru’s once smiling face now etched with concern.  
“That’s why I told you.” Tsukishima said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda abrubt ending ik, didn't really know how to finish it...Anyway lmk what you think!


	4. Assumptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi starts to suspect Tsukishima may be avoiding him. It hurts him more than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is this drabble I started on a whim turning into a multi-chapter story? And why am I actually being productive? Who knows? Tw// Swearing (towards the end)

Yamaguchi had said that he was going to leave Tsukishima alone.

He had said it would be pointless to interrogate him.

He had said he wouldn’t ask questions…

But the blonde had taken it way too far.

Now not only was he inexplicably dashing to the toilet in between lessons, but he’d also started to avoid Yamaguchi.

That hurt him way more than he’d like to admit

Tsukishima had an annoying habit of just disappearing. You’d think a 190cm beanpole radiating sass wouldn’t be that difficult to lose, but the blonde was more elusive than he appeared.

For the first time since primary, Yamaguchi ate lunch alone.  
\-----------   
“Are you sure about this? Yamaguchi might get offended if you start avoiding him.”

Tsukishima tched in annoyance. His brother had set up a doctor’s appointment for him on Friday, but they’d started brainstorming to figure out what to do in the meantime.

“Every time I see him I start throwing up rose petals. He is literally the reason I have this condition. The less I see him the better.”  
Akiteru sighed in frustration. 

“But he’s your only friend, you can’t avoid him forever!”

“It won’t be forever.” Tsukishima replied. “Just until I get this surgery, then everything can go back to normal.”

“If you’re sure.” 

“When am I not?” Tsukishima grinned.  
\----------------  
Despite his best efforts, Tsukishima knew he couldn’t avoid Yamaguchi in practice.   
He’d considered skipping, until he remembered Hinata knew where he lived, and he would not put it past that boy to go as far as his own house to get him to practice.

He decided to just get it over with, rip the band-aid off quickly.

And that’s how when Yamaguchi walked into the gym, he saw Tsukki practicing receiving with Daichi. He felt hurt, hoping somehow that Tsukki just hadn’t been in school that day and that’s why he didn’t see him.

But his eyes didn’t deceive him. Tsukishima had been in school. Avoiding him.

He set his bag down and walked over.  
“  
Tsukki, why have you been avoiding me?” Yamaguchi yelled.

Tsukishima’s face quickly heated up.

“What do you mean?”

Yamaguchi started to tear up.

“I’ve been looking for you all day, you weren’t at lunch, I couldn’t find you at break, and you very clearly aren’t ill!” Yamaguchi shouted, tears now openly streaming down his face.

The rest of the team came over at the sound of all this commotion, Hinata with an angry expression and Yachi with a concerned one.

Ah crap. Shit fuck no no no no nononononono

This was not what Tsukishima had wanted at all. He didn’t want to explain this at all, let alone in front of the whole volleyball team.

The rest of the team stared at him, expectantly waiting an answer. He briefly considered making a run for it through the open door, before remembering Hinata was faster than him and would catch up to him in no time.

Rip the bandaid off quickly. That’s what you wanted.

Yet Tsukishima couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth. Snarky Tsukishima, always ready with a comeback, was speechless. Yamaguchi seemed to take his silence as some sort of confirmation, because he let out one last sob and ran off.

And suddenly Tsukishima found his voice again.

“Yamaguchi, wait!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting may be slightly weird (I'm trying ok??) Lmk what you think! Also follow me on twitter @ NotACynic_ for more Haikyuu rants :)


	5. Confrontation: Yamaguchi Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima is forced to confess to Yamaguchi about his disease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 3 asterisks (***) usually signify a different POV or a change of scene. Hopefully it isn't too confusing :) Also I re-wrote this like 5 times and have no idea how to finish it help- TW//Swearing

After Yamaguchi ran out, Tsukishima didn’t wait around either. Straight away he sprinted off all whilst calling out the pinch server’s name. Hinata frowned and made a move to try and follow until Daichi placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Leave him. We can practice without him for now.”  
 *******

“Yamaguchi! Yamaguchi!” Tsukishima shouted, desperately looking around. He wasn’t in the club room, in the courtyard or in the nearby park. Seemed like Yamaguchi could be elusive too when he wanted to.

“Damnit Yamaguchi, where are you?” Tsukishima muttered.

How could he have fucked up so bad? In trying to protect himself he ended up distancing his only close friend. He hurt someone who cared about him, who stuck with him through all of his ups and downs, who always laughed at all of his jokes, and for what? Because he was embarrassed? Because he wanted to keep up his stoic persona? _Because he knew he would be rejected?_

Tears pricked his eyes. Trust Yamaguchi to be the only person to make him cry. He really was losing it.

“Focus Tsukishima.” He reminded himself. This wasn’t about him or his problems, this was about Yamaguchi.

Speak of the devil.

*******

Yamaguchi ran out and didn’t look back. He heard some vague yelling but to be honest he didn’t care. Tsukishima had made his stance very clear. He wasn’t wanted.

And maybe he was blowing this way out of proportion, but Yamaguchi had sensed his friendship with Tsukishima had become more and more one-sided. His anxious thoughts he’d repressed re-surfaced louder than ever.

“You’re annoying.”

“You’re clingy.”

“He doesn’t like you.”

“He thinks you’re lame.”

_“lame lame lame lame lame.”_

Tsukishima avoiding him had been all the confirmation the thoughts had needed. Now they surrounded Yamaguchi, laughing and cackling at his pain.

_“The thoughts were right all along.”_

Yamaguchi sunk down behind a tree. He didn’t care about practice. He didn’t care about other people finding him. He didn’t care about any of this. He just wanted to cry in peace.

So of course that’s when Tsukishima found him.

*******

Tsukishima found Yamaguchi completely by accident. He’d given up trying to find him by now and was trudging back to the gym, mentally preparing himself for the barrage of questions the others undoubtedly had.

Until he heard sniffling.

Intrigued (and happy to put off having to face the others’ questioning for a few more minutes) he followed the noise until he found the source.

Yamaguchi, huddled behind a tree, hugging himself. When he did eventually look up, Tsukishima let like he too wanted to cry. There was no sign of welcoming, no smile, no joy behind his eyes. Only pure, hard anger.

“What do you want Tsukishima?” Yamaguchi said, glaring at him. _No nickname. He thought to himself. The thought hurt him more than he’d like to admit._

Suddenly all the moisture seemed to have been sucked from his mouth. For the second time that day, Tsukishima had been left speechless. Realizing Yamaguchi wasn’t going to speak up however, Tsukishima pressed on in a desperate attempt to break the awkward silence.

“I’m sorry.” He blurted out.

“One day I was waiting at the library for you and I started reading random books, and I found out about Hanahaki disease where if you love someone but they don’t love you back flowers start blooming in your throat and it can lead to death, and on Tuesday I started throwing up flowers and I didn’t know what was going on until I remembered and then I thought of us, and how you always laugh at my trash jokes, about how you always support me and always want the best for me, about how you were there for me during the saddest point of my life and then I realized I loved you but I didn’t want to confess because I knew you’d reject me so I tried to hide from you but it didn’t work and I’m scared because I don’t want to die but I hurt you when I didn’t want to and Akiteru said this was going to be a bad idea and I’m sorry-“ Tsukishima interrupted his ramble and started to cough, continuing to cough until from his mouth came a perfect rose, its petals tinted red with blood.

Yamaguchi had had various reactions throughout all of this, from anger to disbelief to downright fear when he mentioned the dying part, only to be quickly replaced by concern as Tsukishima started to cough up a flower, and realization when he saw Tsukishima wipe a tear from his eye.

“You lied to me because you were scared of my reaction?”

Tsukishima nodded ashamedly.

“Oh Tsukki!”

Yamaguchi launched himself onto the middle blocker and hugged him fiercely.

“To think I thought you did all of this because you didn’t like me.”

“What?! I value our friendship more than anything else on this Earth. I guess I need to get better at showing it.”

“I think this was proof enough. When’s the surgery.”

“I don’t need it. Another cure for Hanahaki’s disease is confessing to the person who doesn’t love you back. Guess I’m cured now” Tsukishima smiled weakly. “Aren’t you scared about what this means for our friendship?”

“I mean you already know I think of you as a friend. An amazing, adorable best friend who I care for deeply, but nothing more than that. As for our friendship, I don’t know. I don’t want to lose what we have but I also don’t want to lead you on. You’ll always need more than this. And I can’t give that to you.”  
“But I want you. That’s the point of this, I don’t want some romantic relationship with another person. I want it with you.”

Yamaguchi sighed. “There’s no winning here.”

“Truly there’s not. Unless-“ Tsukishima said, head deep in thought.

“Unless what?” Yamguchi asked.

“I mean, if you choose to confess, curing your Hanahaki disease that way, you may be able to get memory re-assignment surgery. As in, I’ll forget about any romantic feelings I had towards you, and we can carry on as normal. Two friends. Nothing more.”

Yamguchi ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know…Memory surgery’s always a risk. What if you lose all of your memory? I don’t want a Tsukki who doesn’t remember who he is.”

“It’s either that or we both wreck our friendship and live the rest of our lives unhappy. The doctor’s appointment is still on. I’ll just explain this and ask if it’s worth the risk. Don’t worry Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima smiled.

“I have no intention of forgetting who I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> Lmk what you think of it! Constructive criticism is always appreciated :)


End file.
